Self disclosure is a curse phrase in the social work field. If you are a social worker reading this, you can attest. My entire social work academic career, the practice of self disclosure was strongly advised against, so many students who began their professional careers avoided this practice and maintained an aloof“ I’m your therapist and you’re the patient” dynamic. It wasn't until the past 10 years, I attended conferences and read literature that suggested the use of self in therapy. This sounded like blasphemy to me, particularly in order to maintain boundaries.
As curiosity would have it, I tried to incorporate it in my work and realized the power that this held, as it opened up trust, built rapport, and removed that view of therapists as authority figures.
As a result, I would never open up regarding my deepest feelings to most people. Not because I’m a perfectionist, ( yes I’m a virgo, but I’m not) but due to a need to avoid oversharing, and letting people in who don’t need to be there.
However, I feel compelled to reach someone’s heart by this post.
It took me a while to write this because I was not quite motivated to write or do anything else than distracting and non fulfilling work. I think I may be the busiest woman in the US right now. I have 2 full time careers and multiple other ventures in between.
I had to slow down, I had to rest, and I have to restart.
I’ve always felt my biggest role in life is to encourage and inspire others but lately I have not felt inspired. I have an incredible practice with some of the most amazing clients, but I’ve had to take a break because I’ve had my own pain that I’ve had to face and thankfully they were all understanding and accepting of referrals of therapist who could be present.
The hardest part is dealing with this all alone. Not alone in the sense of no support system, but alone with the heavy lifting. There are tasks I can only accomplish with my own strength and at times I just don’t have it.
I recently had a great loss of a loved one. This loss tore me apart, gave me painful guilt, and triggered the mourning of a relationship which I was in denial about. My mourning was silent, slow, and under very unusual circumstances.
Additionally, I have also been dealing with the trauma of being physically attacked at work and the overwhelming continuous verbal abuse in this environment.
I wouldn’t call how I felt depression, I wouldn't give it a name, because I am used to difficult circumstances, and used to carrying the weight of other humans.
I eventually had a moment of realization that I was actually depressed.
Grief, pervasive feelings of guilt, insomnia, nightmares, oversleeping, forgetfulness of simple words, loss of motivation, and avoidance. I am very good at avoiding what hurts. Presenting with a heroine attitude; I convince myself that I am.
Again, I am writing this for my own emotional purge but more importantly to encourage someone else during this time who feels alone and silent about the burdens you are carrying.
Mental health awareness month is important to bring attention to but unfortunately the effects last much longer and cause much disturbance in people’s lives.
Be well and I wish you peace.
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