Post 30, the relationship demographic of my peers are split between the married or the divorcees, separated, situationships, or fully single.
While married folk have their high and lows, those in for the long-haul expect this rollercoaster, and eventually get into a smooth flying altitude and become accustomed to coping with those occasional storms life brings.
I am not talking to this crowd.
I fail at being an expert on marriage, but I'm definitely a dating expert due to my comprehensive knowledge and experience ( don't debate me, check the dictionary for the definition of expert). Besides, I've been single longer than married, ifso facto...I'm an expert.
For single women dating, or whatever phrase is currently coined to describe two adults sharing each other's company and possibly their bed, it can be quite complex.
At the post 30's stage, the beauty of being "grown" and experienced, is that you may now be aware of what you want and are more secure with yourself, your career, and your finances, so you may appear a good candidate for love. It is likely your experiences of dating has shaped your expectations, either attracting you to others while avoiding the rest. The unfortunate truth about these schemas ( google it) that develop, is that they are occasionally dysfunctional and may cause people to sabotage themselves in matters of the heart.
Despite being grown-ups in age and accomplishments, the most important ability to possess and the measure of maturity, is the ability to communicate and the awareness of communication strengths and weaknesses.
A girlfriend of mine called me to express her concern of dating a young man who immediately emphasized that he did not want a relationship. Single women can attest to this phrase run into the ground and believe me, some men are telling you the truth.
For those men lacking skills in their own self-awareness-honest-communication-abilities, some are truly saying, " I'm not committing to you because I'm not sure if there may be someone better out there.... I'm afraid if I commit to you I may not really like you anymore and I wasted my time... I just want to have sex with you and nothing else... or I'd rather not be responsible for your feelings."
For the mature-expressive men seeking commitment or monogamy...this is not for you so stop reading and share this link with your toxic male friends.
While we can make assumptions or excuses for what the men you are dating may or may not want, the bottom line is for ladies....be upfront for what you want and if you are not able to get a sophisticated level of communication and consistency, you have the power to walk away.
All too often women are socialized to believe they have to possess certain qualities close to perfection to be loved.
I disagree...that's blasphemy....you are worthy and you require effort from your suitor so that you can determine if this effort meets your standards and expectations.
Why you ask? Because no man should ever be more important than you.
This is where we often sell ourselves short and become "Sisterallas" ( check out my June 30th blog post,) taking on the burdens of others and neglecting ourselves. Becoming a man's everything at the expense of your mental health.
Nurturing and being supportive is an often natural and beautiful God-given quality but it needs to be earned by someone willing to offer reciprocity.
This doesn't only apply for those looking for deep long lasting love, but also for ladies who are just dipping their toes in the dating pool, juggling diner dates and being "flewed" out on the weekend.
Men and women equally enjoy the allure of companionship but some of us base our companionship on codependency or fear of being alone. It's common and understandable but dangerous, leading us to make bad decisions, settle, and ignore red flags.
All of this is easier said than done, but it is important to know and constantly reinforce these truths to break these generational curses of being broken by relationships and allowing men to break us with their own toxic behavior and codependency.
Additionally, be mindful of your dating negative self-talk. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, " I attract the wrong guys," it's not what you attract, it's what you accept. Women will always get a net of fish, but it's the toxic type we must practice throwing back.
Essentially, I'd like to consider dating as a part of self-care. It can be fun and fulfilling but it must be on terms that feels good for your spirit and does not compromise your values, or your mental health.
#dating #love #relaitonships #30s #respect #boundaries #standards #expectations #communication #single #companionship #mentalhealt
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